Hello Therapists: I Want To Move To The UK, But I Am Deeply Concerned About The Challenges My Mother May Face Living Alone At Her Age, And I Do Not Feel Comfortable Leaving Her Behind....

Hello Therapists,

I am 38-year-old, currently residing in Hong Kong. I come from a tight-knit family, where my mother has always been the central figure and the glue that holds us together. My father passed away when I was only 15 years old, leaving my mother to raise my younger siblings and me on her own.

In the years following my father's death, my mother dedicated herself entirely to our family, making countless sacrifices to ensure that we were well cared for and had every opportunity to thrive. She worked tirelessly, often taking on multiple jobs, to provide for us financially and emotionally. Her unwavering love and support were the foundation upon which I built my life.

A few years ago, I began planning and considering the possibility of relocating to the United Kingdom. This decision was not made lightly, as it would mean leaving the only home I've ever known and the family that means so much to me. However, I felt a sense of restlessness and a desire to explore new horizons.

The primary reason for my hesitation is my strong sense of obligation and attachment to my 70-year-old mother, who has expressed a desire to remain in Hong Kong. I have had discussions with my mother about the potential move, and she has been extremely supportive of the idea. However, I am deeply concerned about the challenges my mother may face living alone at her age, and I do not feel comfortable leaving her behind.

I am torn between my own aspirations and the desire to care for and support my aging mother. I feel a deep sense of loyalty and responsibility towards her, as she has been the bedrock of our family for so many years. I cannot imagine leaving her to fend for herself, especially in her golden years.

This situation is causing me significant emotional turmoil and indecision. I am struggling to reconcile my personal goals with my familial obligations and the well-being of my elderly mother. I would greatly appreciate your guidance and expertise in helping me navigate this complex situation.

Nameless

Hello Nameless,

Thank you for telling us about your struggles. I sense a conflict in you between your personal self, which wants new experiences and independence, and the influence of your mother. Both are important and should be respected. Your mother's constant care has done a lot of good for you. Now the care flows both ways, as you want to protect her in her time of need. This shows the health of your relationship. But being too focused on her well-being could stop your own self from growing. All people must eventually leave the nest; perhaps there is a way for both your and her journey to happen together.

Losing your father early in life had a big impact, and your mother's parenting after that shaped your sense of self and security. When a central parent figure dies, it makes the child's hidden fears about abandonment, mortality, and loved ones being taken away come out. Your mother's immense care and sacrifice would have strongly reinforced your reliance on her for stability, safety, and identity.

On some level, separating from her may trigger fears of being abandoned again, or of something bad happening if you aren't there to care for her like she cared for you. This unconscious imprinting is normal and understandable given your family history. At the same time, your desire to spread your wings shows your emerging self's need for autonomy and new experiences as you become an adult. But leaving risks bringing up very real, very old terrors.

The emotional experience of leaving as abandoning your self-sacrificing mother comes from deep love and loyalty. The depth of gratitude and care you feel toward your mother for her incredible sacrifices has clearly given you a strong sense of duty. Understandably, considering choices that don't prioritise her needs above all else can make you feel guilty about failing that duty. The shadow of this situation includes the potential for guilt to hold back both your freedom and hers.

Guilt can be a very heavy emotion to carry. Guilt often comes from an internalised voice of critical judgment. Reflecting on where you've internalised this demanding "superego" perspective could help you replace it with compassion. For example, when you hear that internal critical voice saying "You're being selfish for wanting independence," you could respond with self-compassion, saying "My mother's care for me was a profound act of love, but I am now an adult who also deserves to live my own life. I can still honour her while pursuing my own growth and fulfillment."  (It’s often easier said than done, and this compassionate self-dialogue might not feel convincing at first. It will take daily practice for this to be impactful and create changes for you internally).?

Gaining independence doesn't have to mean losing interdependence, you'll still be there to support her as she once did you. Perhaps you could see it as a period of growth that allows you to keep nurturing your bond from a distance. Maintaining close contact and sharing your lives can ease the fear of abandonment on both sides and minimise guilt. Regular FaceTime meets, keeping her updated on your growth, including her counsel in decisions, and maintaining heartfelt connection even from afar can reassure her. Open communication on both the practical and emotional level, I believe a compromise honouring your duty as well as your right to live life more fully is within reach. Does this perspective resonate with you?

With empathy and patience for both yourself and your relationship with your mother, alongside conscious reflection, these opposing forces can be reconciled. Greater self-knowledge is the first step to finding a solution that respects both your psychological needs. I hope these insights provide some direction as you navigate this complex crossroads.

Dr. Hei Chang, PsyD, CPsychol, AFBPsS

Co-founder of BHKPS

Hello Therapists is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.